27 February

Do not forget about suicide. Do not let yourself think that any of this is necessary.

It’s all contingent. The whole show is voluntary, babe. You can fool yourself into thinking aw man I have to do this thing or feel this way or am just, fuck, I am just so subjected to this current environment, this current feeling, this current being.

No. It’s all contingent, babe. You don’t have to feel shit.

Alan Watts, sage of the acideaters that he was, grew up to be a fucking alcoholic.

There is always suicide, he said, with a deep mirthful laugh, as if this would set you free.

And he grew up to be a fucking alcoholic.

22 February

Wake. Breathe with the nose through the nose. Nine months ago your left nostril. You couldn’t breathe through your left nostril. Maybe all of the snorting of the drugs or maybe not who can say.

But now feel the breath. Awake, unhungover, a quick gratitude for the nostril and the breath.

Wake and immediately roll over and grab your phone and immediately check your messages without even thinking to yourself now it is time to immediately roll over and grab my phone and check my messages, this is what I want to do, check my phone, after first breathing.

Instinct, like breath. Is it addiction or compulsion, with the phone after waking, and just what is the difference between use and abuse, who can say.

All good change requires deliberation. Liberate, deliberate, breathe. The gravity  of the phone like the gravity of the pills. Wake, and feel it.

6 February

I’m aware enough to recognize that I’m in the bubble. Trigger sensitive. One thing we sort of have to accept is a certain degree of political helplessness. Dewey. The price of temporality is contingency. We can be creators of the poem. We have to detach ourselves from the idea that we can sort of control the result. Nothing is historically inevitable. You throw yourself into the process and what does the process mean. The state of political discourse.

Partial transcription of a part of the Partially Examined Life podcast, episode 157, part 2.