29 March

Been a while since I posted anything. Have a few drafts. Don’t feel like finishing them. Incomplete thoughts. This new acne medicine has me staying out of the sun because I’ll burn quicker than a daisy in a forest fire. Have not been sleeping well, too many video games late at night. Can’t escape the screens.

Maybe there is some deeper meaning vis-a-vis the staying out of the sun thing. Trying to think about it makes my head swell.

It’s spring and I’m in central Texas and it’s fucking hard to stay away from the sun, so I’m burnt.

9 March

Can you feel the wind, Madam Psychosis.

Can I lift your veil.

I sweat daily during the commute and feel my sweat.

And are you still arguing against the ontological status of numbers?

I saw you twice once in some astral state where

there was never wind and you said to me this

is where you will come to die this is where you come to die.

But now in the spring the trees

genuflect.

It is time to lift your veil.

 

3 March

What to say.

Internship with the Partially Examined Life. Doing social media and blog stuff 5-10 hours a week.

Didn’t think I would get it. But I got it.

Sometimes life works out.

I’m amazed at how far I’ve gotten just by getting out of my own way. Does this make sense. The alcohol, the drugs: they were obstacles, not the way. My own personal Daddy said this summer he said to me he told me “if you can just figure out this sobriety thing when you’re twenty-two, you’ll have the world by the time you’re forty.”

And I don’t want the world, Dad, but your words have stuck with me. Because there are things that I want. Peace of mind. Independence, financial and otherwise. To give the best parts of myself to the world. To spread love.

I can’t be sure that I’ll ever attain these things, even sober. But I do know that when I’m forty years old, I won’t look back and think to myself jesus fucking christ where did the last twenty years of my life go I could’ve been x if I hadn’t drank so much or I could’ve done y, I really could’ve done y, but it just never quite occurred for me, it just never happened; I won’t be driving around with my adolescent son and say you know son your own Personal Daddy could’ve been a really great man, you know he really could’ve, he could’ve done amazing things but he didn’t do those amazing things although he really could’ve done them.

Because that’s the alternative. I can quit Substances now or when I’m forty or never, and the story is going to be the same. The only variables will be the amount of personal suffering incurred and the amount of shit left unaccomplished.

Check out the Partially Examined Life podcast network here.

Listen to two especially intriguing (given the current political climate) episodes on Richard Rorty’s  Achieving Our Country: Leftist Thought in 20th Century America, beginning with the first one here.