Rough day for the kid.

-6 on 64.4, RC. BR’d em w/ Kurt. -2 on each of the first 3 passages. I wonder if the low (though not abominable) score has anything to do with me playing Has Been Heroes for a couple hours before taking the section…

After BR, I reviewed the questions I missed on LSAT Hacks. Yeah. Not much to say–just didn’t understand the passages as well as I thought I did, I guess. I think I’ve gotten a little too comfortable since the 176 on PT74 on Saturday. These past two days, I’ve definitely been slacking off w/r/t LSAT devotion. Didn’t I say I was going to give myself over to this thing completely? Surrender?

Yo how about this: No video games before LSAT prep and gym are finished and I’ve read for at least thirty minutes.

With only two days’ worth of data to draw from, I can’t say playing Nintendo Switch is negatively impacting my LSAT performance, but I can say with some degree of confidence that doing so isn’t positively impacting it.

More importantly, though, I don’t like what playing games does to my brain.

I’ve felt true clarity. Something like autonomy. Something pure. Video games don’t take me towards that end. At least, not right now–not as they function in my current relationship with them.

I’m not saying that video games are bad. Or a waste of time. I’m just saying that for me, right now, playing video games (and watching people play video games–Twitch, why do you tempt me so?) isn’t what I want to be doing. Like, on a day-to-day basis. A microlevel. I want to spend my hours doing other things.

You might be thinking oh well duh just, like, do different things. Just be the person you want to be. But that seems naive to me. It’s important to take a couple minutes and really analyze my relationship to games, because I’m no fool when it comes to wanting to make concrete lifestyle changes. Shit is not easy. I mean, on one hand it is–‘the best way to stop drinking is to not drink’–but it also requires, in my experience, tremendous acceptance of a uncomfortable thought: tomorrow is going to feel different.

Bad habits don’t simply go away; if they do go away, they’re replaced by other (hopefully less bad) habits. And it feels different to do different things and to make the choice to do different things–the choice itself feels different–and when the moment comes to sit down and you’ve had a long day and all you want to do is just lay down in your bed and flip on the Switch and maybe play for just a little while maybe, maybe just until dinner or something–when this moment comes you’re going to have to do something else. And it’s not going to feel like you want it to feel. And there will be anxiety. And you will be conflicted.

And I think that if you’re trying to implement change and you don’t first consider what the experience of that change is going to be like phenomenologically–like on a micro, second-to-second level–well, I think you’re screwed. You’re going to fail to implement that change. Sure, you might white-knuckle it for a couple days, but in the long run it’s just not going to stick. I think you have to accept that things are going to feel different. And acceptance of that can be really, really, difficult.

Of course, I could be wrong.

In any case, I’m gonna go read a fucking book. For at least thirty minutes.

Today my reading comprehension was found wanting.

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